Letting in and Letting go...expounding more
I going to let you guys in a lil further to my psyche....so here goes it...
When i was young my mother use to leave us over friends and relatives houses for a long periods of time...Like she would drop me and my brother off in the morning and not come back to early early the next morning or the mid afternoon... And most of the time we would walk home..2 little ones tired after their momma partied the night away... She would promise not to do it again but we knew she would...as i got older i swore i'd never do my kids like that..but i also looked at the bigger picture...i wouldn't have children that young.. My mother had me when she was 14 and later had my bro when she was 16... Growing up I swore I'd never let someone make a promise to me that they couldn't keep moreso dump me in a place and forget about me till it was my time again...so as i grew into a woman i put up this shield and it's been there since..it came down a few times but in the end the people i let in hurt me... I'm not typing this blog as a form of sympathy getting but rather an attempt to let go of some issues that plague me till this day.. the thing about it was i couldnt control what was being done to me when i was a youngin but i sure as hell can now and i exercise that right with extreme prejudice at times..so extreme i'll say one thing but do another...it wouldnt be my intention to hurt someone but i guess i'm holding onto a lil part of me so in the event that things dont work , all of me is not dissapointed...My baggage is not the way other men have treated me it's the things i slowly let go from childhood(i'm trying, i'm really trying)...it's also the reason i cannot let myself get close to either side of my family..i know some are saying that was then this is now..the lil girl inside of me wants to know if i was not good enough then..then why am i now? I choose to create families from a group of friends i've had since high school and college...When I'm alone i think of family all the time i get so sad but sometimes i just refuse to sit with my thoughts because sometimes they can be consuming..i choose to entertain myself by going out with Dean..lately it's been no one else...i go into these dark moods and disappear for awhile..speaking of which I'll be going on sabbatical real soon...haven't been on one since about 99 but i feel it's time for me to disappear again... and so it begins.
thanks for listening folks...
When i was young my mother use to leave us over friends and relatives houses for a long periods of time...Like she would drop me and my brother off in the morning and not come back to early early the next morning or the mid afternoon... And most of the time we would walk home..2 little ones tired after their momma partied the night away... She would promise not to do it again but we knew she would...as i got older i swore i'd never do my kids like that..but i also looked at the bigger picture...i wouldn't have children that young.. My mother had me when she was 14 and later had my bro when she was 16... Growing up I swore I'd never let someone make a promise to me that they couldn't keep moreso dump me in a place and forget about me till it was my time again...so as i grew into a woman i put up this shield and it's been there since..it came down a few times but in the end the people i let in hurt me... I'm not typing this blog as a form of sympathy getting but rather an attempt to let go of some issues that plague me till this day.. the thing about it was i couldnt control what was being done to me when i was a youngin but i sure as hell can now and i exercise that right with extreme prejudice at times..so extreme i'll say one thing but do another...it wouldnt be my intention to hurt someone but i guess i'm holding onto a lil part of me so in the event that things dont work , all of me is not dissapointed...My baggage is not the way other men have treated me it's the things i slowly let go from childhood(i'm trying, i'm really trying)...it's also the reason i cannot let myself get close to either side of my family..i know some are saying that was then this is now..the lil girl inside of me wants to know if i was not good enough then..then why am i now? I choose to create families from a group of friends i've had since high school and college...When I'm alone i think of family all the time i get so sad but sometimes i just refuse to sit with my thoughts because sometimes they can be consuming..i choose to entertain myself by going out with Dean..lately it's been no one else...i go into these dark moods and disappear for awhile..speaking of which I'll be going on sabbatical real soon...haven't been on one since about 99 but i feel it's time for me to disappear again... and so it begins.
thanks for listening folks...
